I took a self evaluation test today to help develop some observations about my professional habits as a photographer. Here is a short excerpt from the feedback it provided:

“Stay conscious about your attitude. Ask yourself often (even now) what is ruling your heart. Is your good or bad day being determined by things outside of you or by your own decisions? This is a question you need to place at the forefront of your mind until it becomes your default habit.”

Of course, this is talking about my career. But it’s eerily applicable to my day in day out walk with the Lord.

And it does need to be placed ‘at the forefront’ of my mind everyday.

John 6:63:

“It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life.”

Jesus has just given his famed “I am the bread of life…” speech to the men and women who were following him. The scripture says that after this, many of them turned away because the saying was so hard to swallow. This is part of Jesus’ response to their unbelief.

He is saying that the words they’re hearing were spiritual words. They were words for those who’d been quickened to hear them.

This follows his words earlier saying that unless they’re “drawn” (from the Greek word, Helkuo, meaning literally ‘to drag’) by the father, they cannot come and that all that the Father gives him, he will not lose (v.39 and v.44).

Jesus is teaching that He alone is the source of Life and that all there are no paths to God found in the flesh, but that without the Spirit of God the flesh is worthless in this venture.

I take great comfort in remembering this. Because the human tendency is to search for God with his flesh. But I know from experience that my flesh doesn’t lead me to God. It never has and, according to this, it never will. So, although I am a consistent failure in flesh, God is a constant victor in his Spirit in me.

This is a drug that I just learned about a few days ago. It’s ancient and was used by shamans and diviners to inspire “spirit walks” for personal revelation. The drug acts like a hallucinogenic, causing people who use it to experience lots of dissociative affects to various degrees. Some are really terrifying, some are peaceful, while some are something else altogether.

Here’s the really interesting thing about it, though. Here in Maryland, the substance is legal—to use and sell. In fact, just about every shop on the board walk in Ocean City sells it. Based on the variety of the affects it can have on users, it’s bizarre that it’s legal (not necessarily a decision I disagree with, but that discussion is for another post).

In my fascination with the substance, I’ve been reading many accounts of people’s experiences with it. It would seem that each person’s hallucination is tailor fitted to their own conscious life experience. For example, one overweight user described having to crawl out of his own mouth in his hallucination. While another, felt himself becoming a variety of household objects.

It’s no wonder that shamans and diviners would use this to send their followers on “spiritual journeys” of self-discovery. It would seem that the drug gives the user some abstract view into an inaccessible part of their conscious. Or perhaps even more.

As a Christian, I’m forced to ask questions about the drug and its application. It is an organic substance, so what design is there in the drug’s ability to do that, if any? What are we to think of the affects? Is there any legitimacy to Christians using the drug as an aid in their own spiritual quests?

Of course, I’m familiar with the answer that would likely come from most of the church today, “Heck no!”. But, I’m in a time in my walk with the Lord that I’m rethinking a lot of the Church’s knee-jerk answers to questions like these. In this specific situation, especially given the drug’s age, If there is spiritual legitimacy to the drug’s affects, it even seems reasonable to think that the drug could have aided John in his revelation, or Paul when he was caught up to the third heaven.

Of course, those are only speculations and, in my opinion, don’t cast doubt on the legitimacy of what they wrote, experienced or saw. But, could theoretically open a door to speculation about the drug itself.

Human beings are not entirely biological, or entirely spiritual. In fact, neither is mutually exclusive. Our physical and mental well being often ties tightly into our spiritual state. That’s why few would argue with the use of Asprin to ease a head-ache or Prozac to curb depression. If we accept these drugs as aids to our physical and spiritual well-being (so to speak) what might be the ramifications of presenting Salvia Divinorum for the same ultimate purpose?

I guess these are just questions that have been rolling through my head for the last few days. Questions that are usually moot, due to legal implications. But this time, they have to be asked. For the record, however, I have no intentions at this time of trying this drug. But for now, because these thoughts and questions remain, I also can’t entirely close the door in good conscience.

I don’t notice when I’m not sick. Inevitably, at least once a year, I think to myself, “Gosh Bill, you’re practically always sick.” This is usually during the worst of a bad cold or, at worst, the flu.

Well, last week I was sick. Then I started to get better. Now, I’m sick again. As I was laying down this evening to take a nap, I caught myself in that annual thought, thinking, “Gosh Bill, you’re always sick! What gives?” Then it occurred to me what was really going on. I only notice when I’m sick. I never lay healthy in my bed at night thinking, "boy it sure is nice to be healthy.”

From that, I thought about spiritual health. Most of the time, if I’m doing “well”, I don’t even notice. Sure, I stick to the basic spiritual disciplines, but my heart only kind of goes into it. But, in the times of struggle—apparent struggle—that’s when the spiritual disciplines I stick to really mean something.

It would seem that the reality is that in times of struggle and (seemingly) uphill battles with sin, the weak but real dependence on God is far greater and stronger and better than all the self-sustained “healthy times” combined. In fact, the times of potent reliance on God because of some trouble—even when I myself am the cause—is usually the real health.

I suppose the real difficulty is in learning to embrace times of difficulty, allowing holiness to grow from it—all the while, not slipping back into spiritual “health”.

Yesterday I posted a blog complaining about people’s unreasonably high hopes in American cinema ruining their ability to just sit and enjoy movies. Specifically, I was talking about the X-Men movie.

Well, I started thinking about it some more and it dawned on me that this is just as much an issue in spiritual workings of the Christian life as it is for the jaded moviegoer. I know, I’ve written in this vein before. But bear with me because the thought is fresh in mind again.

It would seem that, for whatever reason, people have an unreasonably high expectation of their quiet times or church meetings or small groups or whatever. And, much like X-Men, it would seem that people’s high expectations are perhaps a big part of people’s difficulty in really enjoying those times.

Suppose that every time you sit down to read the bible, your mind isn’t supposed to be blown. Suppose the audible voice of God isn’t supposed to boom out of the clouds every time you pray. Suppose not all small groups are supposed to reach the tear-drenched depths of relational intimacy. And suppose we’re all quietly expecting it anyway. What would happen?

I think we’d begin to think that every time our expectations weren’t met, something was wrong. Possibly with God, but probably with us. I think we’d end up discouraged, frustrated and eventually jaded, probably cold-hearted and almost definitely not proactive.

But this is the way that I think people—especially young people—in the church tend to operate. And I think it should stop.

I think we should let a prayer be a prayer. Let reading the bible be reading the bible. Let relationships fall where they will. If God is going to move and do something awesome, he will. I think we’d all enjoy this life a lot more if we weren’t waiting for him to do something that maybe he wasn’t planning to do in the first place.

I’m down Tennessee until tomorrow morning. It’s not much of a vacation. Drive all day one day. Stay the next day. Drive all day the last day. But a vacation in the strictest sense of the word, nonetheless.

The photograph to the left is a small abandoned motel I found a couple miles away from where we’re staying.

Anyways, yesterday evening, I discovered that on the way here I subconsciously adopted a fairly stupid mindset: that for some reason my ordinary spiritual disciplines don’t apply while I’m on vacation. How bogus is that?

So last night, I spent my usual time in prayer and in the Word. And, as I should have expected, I was blessed by it.

There’s no reason to think that there’s ever a leisure-based reason to omit my time in the Word or prayer. In fact, I’ll begin praying that the Lord will change my heart to enjoy my time in the Word and in Prayer as I would enjoy a vacation.

Consistency in reading the Word has almost never been a struggle for me in my walk. I don’t mean that as a boast. Consistency in other parts of my life has never been my strong suit. I owe my consistency in the word to God’s refining grace. Through good times and through bad, the Lord has helped me to stay faithfully in the Word every day. That is a huge blessing.

Now, after about 5 years of daily scripture reading, I’m starting to learn some similar things about prayer.

For the past 8-ish weeks I have enjoyed the same God-given consistency in my prayer life that I have had in my time in the Word. This is an absolutely new development for me. Never have I had the ability to stay in prayer day in and day out, so this is something that I’m learning for the first time. And again, I cannot take credit for it, my life does not testify to that sort of behavior.

In this process, I’ve been seeing the contrasting forms of interaction with God and the different ways they have been affecting my life. Of course, these are not expressly biblical concepts and so aren’t set in any kind of stone.

It seems to me that reading the Word is passive, while prayer is aggressive. What I mean by that is reading the Word does not necessarily require any kind of emotional investment, while prayer requires some kind of investment. Even if it seems somewhat superficial, every word we speak is rooted somewhere in our subconscious and in some way is the content of our hearts (Matthew 15:18). Our prayers are no different.

In reading scripture, we sit passively and listen. But, when we pray, speak actively and the contents of our hearts–in some way–are called to the surface.

Now, I’m still working out just what this means, but I believe there is a beautiful design in this dichotomy. It’s for this reason, that I think part of the key to a more consistent walk with Jesus is in the dual disciplines of reading the Word daily and praying daily. While reading, God’s word can fall on me. And, in prayer I come to my surface and am able to retrieve those words and internalize them. Thus allowing them to shape my heart, my behavior and my life.

I know, this is a pretty rough sketch.

I think that many of the brothers and sisters in my generation struggle deeply to remain consistent in their walk with the Lord. I’ve met many of them and I myself at times am one of them. Now I think that I have found, as so many of the saints before me, the grace God offers us in seeking these dual disciplines.

If you are one who has struggled and gone up and down in your faith dramatically, I strongly suggest you look hard at these disciplines and see if the Lord won’t be gracious to you in your faithful pursuit of them.

Note: If you’re interested in the methods that I have used, I’ve written about them in the past, here and here. You’re welcome to try them, but you’ll have to decide what method is really best for you. I don’t claim any magic method, this is just what has been beneficial for me.